Suspiria Remake? Yea or Nay

 I just saw this article on FearNet about the remake of one of my favorite movies EVAH, Dario Argento's Suspiria. I'm not really sure how I feel about this... it was such a highly-stylized and visually stunning film that honestly, I fear any attempt at a remake will fail miserably. Horribly. Grotesquely. I'm not one to automatically pan a reboot of an old classic because if done correctly, it works. Ocean's 11, Scarface, and Dawn of the Dead were all re-imagined into movies that, in my opinion, didn't completely suck donkey balls. In fact, I think they're almost better than the originals. (Forgive me Father Romero.)
 I think my main contention with this "new" Suspiria is the director, David Gordon Green, since he's primarily known for comedies. The guy who directed The Pineapple Express and Your Highness (which blew) isn't exactly who comes to mind when I think of someone to tackle all the awesome that is/was the original Suspiria. I just hope to gawd he doesn't turn it into some sort of tragically unfunny "dark comedy" because I will just absolutely die. DIE, I SAY! I mean, I've seen the trailer for what the hell they did to Dark Shadows and I swear a little part of me died that day. Holy shit on a shingle is that a fucking letdown. Dark Shadows as a comedy. Wow.
But I digress...
The Suspiria remake is in production as we speak and is slated for release next year. Let's just hope for the best, shall we? Let's hope that Green doesn't totally beat the style and life right out of it. I'm crossing my fingers for a pleasant surprise but I have a sneaking suspicion that I'm going to get my heart stomped out. Eh, whatareyagonnado, right?

GPOYW. (Me, thinking of this remake.)

Dear pet, slaves and servants...

Hello there, little ones. I'm sitting here with my pups, enjoying the nice weather and an afternoon of relaxing before my fun evening tonight. I plan on plenty of fetish fuckery and having tons of rocking orgasms with a special someone... bet you wish it were you! Ha! I know how much my silly little slaves and pet pay piggies drool over the thought of my pleasure, how you yearn to get the privilege to serve me and to spoil me. Maybe even get the chance to be within inches of me in a rare in-person session. Well today, to satisfy your need to please me, why don't you be a dear and send me your hard-earned money in the form of e-gift certificates. My favorites are Victoria's Secret, Amazon and eBay. After all, seriously, I need it more than you pitiful little worms do. I mean, you can only hang but so many Call of Duty posters on your wall in your mom's basement. It takes lots of spoiling to look this fabulous all the time. And let's be real, even in sweats and no make up at all, I'd still be hotter than any girl who'll ever bother to give you the time of day.

The fact that I pay any attention to you at all certainly deserves everything you can give me. Honestly, I want it all. I want every penny you make. I want you to have to beg, borrow and steal to satiate me. Perhaps you should call me and we can talk about what you can do for me. Make sure you take lots of notes, too... I expect you to give me exactly what I want, when I want it and precisely how I want it, down to the very last detail. The consequence for failure? I'll forget you even exist. I mean truly, that's not terribly hard since you're already quite forgettable to begin with but I'll cut you off completely, no second chances. With the amount of reliable pets to spoil me, why waste my already limited available time bothering with incompetent and cheap losers? You'd much rather be in my good graces, so open up that wallet and say "AHhhhh...".