Halloween's Coming!

OMG this is absolutely my most favoritest time of year EVAR.

I cannot wait for the haunted houses and scary hay rides to open so I can get my GHOUL on. Oh, and there's nothing that says "Halloween" like watching The 100 Scariest Movie Moments on Bravo. I will stone-cold break a bitch's fingers if they try and change the channel when that's on. I don't care if I've seen it a million times, I'll watch it a million more and no one will stop me.

Also? I've discovered a new-found joy in giving out candy to the lil bastards of my neighborhood. I know those kids must make out like bandits since it's a really nice area with tons of huge houses that decorate like mad for Halloween. Imagine how much candy they much take home! I know I personally give out a nice handful of the good shit to all the little snot rockets that come a-calling because I don't ever want to be "that house". You know, the one that give out ONE piece of shitty candy and sends you on your way? Something gross like black licorice or dum-dums? That's a sure way to get your ass on the "Fuck That House Up" list for Mischief Night the next year. No thanks. Never underestimate the viciousness of upper-middle class brats with too much time on their hands and too much allowance money. But I digress...

Yeah, really starting to take a shine to the candy-giving thing. The really little kids, the ones too young to be greedy assholes yet? Those are my favorite. They're always so proud of their costumes and so excited to get to fill their bag up. It really warms a tiny corner of my cold, black heart a little. Just a little.

Don't resist, go ahead, I'll wait... "Awwww..."

Mmhmm. You try and tell me you're not giving that little rug rat EVERYTHING YOU GOT in that candy bowl. Just dump it all in his little pumpkin bag and call it night cause he won this round.

The other fun part about giving out candy on Halloween is the Prostitots. The almost-legal girls that go Trick or Treating dressed like they're just stopping by before their shift at Scores? Yeah, those. Is it wrong to look? I mean, teenage girls didn't look like that when I was growing up, I'm sure of it. Good googly-moogly. Last year there were two girls, maybe 17 or so, both dressed in outfits I'm sure they could only have gotten from Leg Avenue. No lie. One was a bumble bee and the other? Yeah, a ladybug. Mini petticoated skirts, fishnets and all. So they knock on my door and I'm trying like hell to not stare but I'm sure the shock on my face was obvious. I'm also sure it was the same look they were getting all night. I'm handing them the candy and avoiding looking at them the way you avoid looking directly at the sun. No one's gonna be calling me a dirty fucking perv, no god damn way.
This isn't an exact example but it's pretty fucking close:

*sigh* I know, I know. I'm going to hell, I got it already.
So yeah, looking forward to see if this year we get more jailbait-in-stripper-gear. Here's to hoping! Wait, can I go to jail for saying that? Fuck.

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